Attack of the Canpire
by Tawamureru
Summary: Chapter 4 finally up! A new breed of vampire is out and all the soda disappears from Hellsing and the troops all go on strike from the lack of soda! Alucard and Celas are now forced to find and get rid of this new threat!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - Blah blah, I don't own Hellsing, blah blah, I don't own Mountian Dew or Pepsi-Cola, blah blah, I don't even own the DVD, blah blah, read and enjoy!  
  
  
Attack of the Canpire  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
  
A high pitched scream echoed through the castle of Hellsing. To the normal human ears it could have been mistaken for the cry of a devil, but in reality, it was the terrified scream of a newly recruited solider inside the kitchen. The horrid sight before the young human could give even the most mild-mannered people a heart attack.  
  
"Dear GOD!! What kind of bloody SICKO could have done something like this!?"  
  
"Oh.... God.... I can't even bare to LOOK at it!"  
  
"Sweet mercy... what a horrid MESS!"  
  
"I... I'm gonna be sick!"  
  
The comments from the troops and the cooks continued to travel around as they stood shocked and bewildered staring wide eyed at the seeping sticky liquid before them. The door to the fridge swung like a broken limb as its insides where hastily taken out and spilled onto the floor. A complete mess of punctured cans of soft drinks lied on the floor like empty soulless shells of their former bodies covered in the sugared life fluids of their own comrades surrounding the cans. Not a single can had a drop in them, as if they were sucked dry because the spillage of soda was far too little for the amount of empty cans on the floor.  
  
"Now how the hell am I gonna get my bloody Mountain Dew fix!? The vending machine next to the dorms only has diet!"  
  
"Well, you can always drink the diet drinks, y'know."  
  
"WHAT!? Never!! I've been a diehard regular Mountain Dew drinker and I don't expect to stop now for... DIET!" the flustered troop shuddered at the thought of drinking artificially sweetened 'soda' a company shamelessly stuck the honorable Mountain Dew name to, "I swear I'll kill the damn sicko who did this!!"  
  
A calm reassuring weight rested on the hotheaded soldier's shoulders, "Don't worry Tim, I'm pretty sure you can get your caffeine fix with a nice hot cup of coffee, ol' chap."  
  
Tim the Hellsing soldier couldn't bring himself to turn to the dark hot coffee side and wrenched his body away from the old captain. "There is NO way I can just go cold bloody turkey on my soda and drink... c... co... COFFEE!! It's not right! It's INHUMAN!!"  
  
The balding captain stepped back in shock of his subordinate's reaction to changing his pick-me-up drink. This seemed more like a simple problem. It was an addiction!  
  
"Calm down solider! I'm sure the family psychiatrist can help you out with your... 'soda problem.'" the old man said softly to the twitching man, "We've still got tea and coffee to drink."  
  
Other soldiers looked at the pile of ruined soda as if their pet kitten died before them. Their lips trembled and whimpers came out from their choked throats.  
  
Tim grabbed a empty can of Mountain Dew and crushed it in his hand raising it into the air, "NO SODA!! NO WORK!! NO SODA!! NO WORK!!" he started chanting to the crowd of soldiers.  
  
The crushed soldiers quickly followed the hothead's lead in chanting 'NO SODA!! NO WORK!!' like a flock of sheep. They all needed their daily douse of caffienated sugared water goodness. Not some hot cup of grounded down black beans.  
  
The old captains grimaced at the actions of their rowdy troops. What is it with young men these days? All they want to drink is either beer or soda. It is like if their still developing bodies rejected the holy coffee like black poison. Surely Integra will NOT like how the evening was starting off.  
  
  
****************  
  
  
Meanwhile at Integra's office, the leader of Hellsing was aggrivatedly chewing on the end of her cigar. Her butler Walter already informed Integra of the news about what was the poor sounding chanting that was coming from the kitchen. This was so idiotic, why would the entire number of troops suddenly go on strike just because something drank all of the soda supply? If she needed a pick-me-up, a fresh cigar over a hot cup of strong black coffee was the perfect cure.  
  
Integra looked at an empty can of Pepsi that was brought to her desk by Walter as a piece of evidence of the so called 'crime scene.' It possessed only two neat holes together on the side of the metallic cylinder. There was not a single drop in the can as Integra shook the can lightly in her hand. It was as if some retard didn't know how to open up a damn can so he just stabbed two holes into it and drank it like that. How utterly stupid can someone be?  
  
"So, the troops and even the captains refuse to work now? Because of... THIS?" the Hellsing leader shouted while angrily knocking the can off her desk not noticing it didn't make a sound when it supposedly hit the ground. "This is the most idiotic, stupid, retarded reason I've ever heard from those spineless cowards!! Worse than the rookies that thought Celas was a succubus that would steal their soul when they sleep!"  
  
"A succubus? Mwahahah!! The police girl is probably too shy to even hold hands with one of them!" another chorus of deep laughter echoed in the room. Soon a hand holding the pierced can of Pepsi brought itself out of the wall revealing the house's favorite grinning vampire, Alucard.  
  
"Alucard.... Do you have anything to do with the sudden uproar in the kitchen?" Integra glared at Alucard with her icy blue eyes.  
  
"Of course not Master, I haven't been in the kitchen today since I woke up." he made a toothy smirk as he twirled the can in his hand, "Walter has been a good boy today and brought my Happy Meal on time tonight. Although I do wish he would put a toy in it."  
  
Walter only glared at the tall vampire in a similar way as Miss Hellsing. "Hrpm, I have my other duties to finish for the night." he bows to Integra, "I hope this problem will sort itself out quickly, Sir Integra." With a nod from his master, Walter quickly left the presence of the annoying vampire.  
  
"You know, this is an very interesting way to drink a can of Pepsi, Integra. Are you sure it's good for your teeth?" Alucard chuckled to himself.  
  
"Grr, why would I do something as idiotic like that when I can just open the damn can like a normal civilized person? Knowing your ways, you have probably heard what has happened in the kitchen and the status of the troops."  
  
"Ah yes, they've all gone on strike because of a shortage of carbonated drinks." the tall red vampire looked at the twin holes in the can, "If the new vampires have become as naive and stupid as I think, one of them probably bit this can and sucked all the soda out like a packet of blood."  
  
Integra raised a brow, "Don't be so absurd. A vampire drinking cans of soda instead of blood? I have no time for your silly jokes Alucard. This is a serious matter! If there is a vampire attack here, we would be DEFENCELESS!"  
  
This only caused the ancient vampire to grin even more, "Maybe, a CANpire did it! You know, it's like a vampire, but instead of drinking blood like any decent vampire, it drinks soda instead! Hahhahaha!" Alucard tossed his head back in laughter and started tossing the can into the hair and catches it.  
  
The stupid joking by the vampire pushed Integra more and more to her limit. Having everyone that was suppose to be the defense of Hellsing go on strike for a bloody shortage of soda was no laughing matter. "... THEN GO FIND AND DESTROY THE BLOODY 'CANPIRE'!!" she shouted as she threw her nearly finished cigar right at Alucard's head making a perfect hit in the middle of his forehead.  
  
"Owww... that really burns, Master." Alucard attempted to frown but ended up as a grim smirk as he caught the falling cigar butt in his gloved hands. "Will do, my master...." the vampire grinned once again as he melted into the floor in a black shadow.  
  
Integra rubbed her temples as she grabbed another cigar. Her small army was on strike because of soda and her secret weapon was acting like an ass as usual. This was going to be a long night. That so-called 'canpire' better not decide to steal all the tea or else she would hunt it down personally and shoot hot silver bullets down the undead demon's throat. Tea was good. So are cigars. Tea and cigars where the things that kept her happy at times like this.  
  
  
****************  
  
  
"Ceeelasssss...."  
  
Celas Victoria mumbled in her sleep within her coffin. The white satin sheets were so warm in the cold dungeon that she had to sleep in. The cushioning inside the coffin was also extremely soft, much better than the mattresses she had to sleep in the police academy.  
  
"Grr... I'm not a... kitten." the young vampire mumbled with the blanket over her head as she spoke out loud to her dream. She grumbled again as visions of her friends used to do to her back then. There were always those times when she would wake up with a nice beauty mask made of shaving cream. And there was that other time when they tied her hair into numerous pigtails and cat whiskers drawn on her face.   
  
A small grin crept across her pale face remembering what happened afterwards. She found out whose idea was the pigtails and whiskers prank. It was one of the new rookies, a lanky young man. His name was Ricky and she got payback big time. After finding out it was him Celas crept to the opposite side of the sleeping dorms with a cup full of warm water, her make-up kit, some old laundry that needed to be washed, and other various goodies to use in her revenge.  
  
Silently she stood over the sleeping Ricky. Oh, how innocent he looked asleep. As if he would never do anything wrong. But Celas clearly didn't care about his appearance right now. She cared more about what she was going to do to the stupid bloke while he was asleep! Swiftly but as careful as a mother tigress carrying its babies, she pulled Ricky's arm down and put his hand in the cup of still warm water. With this, the fellow officer would be waking up in a wet bed. The police girl had to cover her mouth with one of her hands to keep from laughing out loud. She had no time to waste giggling on his misery of waking up to the shock of pissing in bed.  
  
Celas put on her white police gloves as she grabbed the smelly briefs she stole from the laundry. There were a few stains that she did not even want to find out what they came from and holes in the nasty piece of clothing. Gently, she put the dirty underwear on Ricky's head like a new shower cap. His short blond hair poked out of the holes of the briefs adding a little more character to the new 'hat' he wore. Celas wondered if his head would ever smell the same again? Oh, she didn't care if his hair all fell out the next morning. This is was for revenge of making her look like a fool the days before. Quickly, she stuffed a pair of nasty sweat socks she found in the gym floor into a makeshift tie for the rookie.  
  
The police girl grinned evilly as she continued to give her fellow officer a new look. Some old pink lipstick (she was going to buy a new one anyway), a nice big cake of red blush for his cheeks, carefully added green and blue eyeshadow, and various drawings and writings drawn on his face by a make-up pencil. The writings were the best part, some read "Nads Man" and others were "Porn Princess" and "Bob wuz here." Celas couldn't help but snicker softly as she took a step back admiring her work. She was quite the artist when it came to getting revenge. The young woman grinned to herself and started to sneak back to her bed as if nothing happened.  
  
Celas giggled in her sleep at the once lost memory of her fun in the past few years.  
  
"Police girl...."  
  
The young vampire froze. Was she caught sneaking around in the police dormitory? Did someone see her getting revenge on Ricky? Her heart started to race as all these worries came to her at once.  
  
"POLICE GIRL!!"  
  
Celas shrieked and started to kick around as she ran in her sleep but hit her toes on the top and sides of the coffin bringing her awake. The white blanket was pulled over her head. She wasn't in the dorms anymore. She was in her coffin. At Hellsing. Where she worked now. After catching her breath from the sudden scare, Celas slowly lowered her blanket. What stared back down at her was the terrifying head of Alucard with his eyes sunken in and his mouth hanging in a half grin.  
  
"Celasss.... Victoriaaaa...." Alucard said in a raspy dry voice while making his eyes roll back into his head.  
  
The young vampire's eyes widened to nearly three times their normal size as she stared shocked at the horrific sight that hung inches away from her face. She took one deep breath and screamed like a PMSing banshee that just found out that all the chocolate was gone.  
  
Alucard quickly retreated his head from the top of the coffin to try to get away from the ear-piercing scream by the young police girl and a swing of her fists that threatened to break his nose off. The elder vampire jumped to his normal place in the room, sitting in a chair leaning back with his feet on the table but now with hands clasped over his ears grimacing in pain.  
  
Very unlady-like and colorful cursing came from the bouncing coffin directed at Alucard. Walter would have a heart attack and die right there if he could hear the wonderful language coming from their youngest member's mouth. Alucard grinned to himself, this sudden outburst of cursing amused him. Much more than Integra throwing cans of Pepsi and lit cigars at his head.  
  
*THUNK!!*  
  
Alucard winced as the cursing immediately stopped at the sound of a hollow head hitting the coffin lid. The top of the coffin slowly raised to show the glaring red eyes of a very upset Celas along with a nice purple bump on her forehead. Her messed up strawberry blond hair failed at covering the bruise and stuck out at odd angles like some kind of new puffball style.  
  
"I see that you're awake now, police girl. Did you have a nice sleep?" he smiled sarcastically  
  
"Yesss Masterrrrr." Celas gritted through her teeth trying to keep herself from tearing that grin off his face. Oh how she hated the times when her master would think it's a riot to scare her awake with that damned trick.  
  
"Good, now change into some decent clothes. We're on a hunt for a canpire today!"  
  
The cranky ex-cop blinked wondering if she heard what her master said correctly, "A... CANpire?"  
  
Alucard merely nodded to his small and confused apprentice.  
  
  
***********  
  
And that's it for the first chapter of my first Hellsing fanfic! It went on a little longer than I first expected but I like how it's going so far. Reviews are greatly welcomed!  
  
I just hope I didn't make the characters too ooc! n_n; 


	2. Chapter 2

Attack of the Canpire  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Celas walked out of the shower with a fuzzy pink towel around her body. What did her master mean about hunting down a 'canpire' tonight? She thought back to the ideas she got while in the shower.... Maybe it was one of those dancing cans that you could sometimes buy at stores but it was turned into a vampire and is causing sugary mayhem? No way! That was just stupid, dancing toys can't come alive and suck people's blood. Well, maybe except for that Chucky doll. But that was some horror movie monster! Or maybe her master was playing yet another one of his annoying jokes.  
  
"Do I look like the type to joke around about our missions from the great Lady-Boss?" came the familiar voice of Celas' master.  
  
The young vampire raised a wary brow; she could name a few times when Alucard acted like his usual self by dancing around the real details of the mission. This crazy hunt about the canpire looked like another one of those waltzes.  
  
"Mmm, I've got a really nice view down here too!" the sound of Alucard's voice grinned on his words below her.  
  
Quickly, Celas looked down on her own shadow at clearly was not behaving like a normal shadow. The edges off it swirled like playful dark tentacles on the floor as two red slits slowly drifted to the top. Opening lazily like a large dog yawning, the slits became red eyes that stared straight back to the female vampire causing her to shriek in terror. Celas nearly immediately stomped down on the eyes with her right heel causing the shadow to shrink back with a yelp of pain.  
  
Wrapping the tower tighter around her small body, Celas groaned to herself. Was today some holiday for her master to see how many times he can scare the sh- crap out of her? Or did her screams give him some kind of morbid pleasure? Dear god, she hoped it wasn't the latter.  
  
The police girl looked around the small room, no sign of her master. Good. She leaned in front of the window and lifted the still damp and uncombed golden lock of hair from her forehead. The bruise was still there, larger as ever with its artful showing of blacks and blues mixed into a painful bump pretending to be a new horn. Carefully she touched the sore hotspot and winced. It wasn't going to go away any day soon. Damn that Alucard for scaring her awake like that.  
  
"I dunno what it is about all the women that I meet, but all of them want to either hurt me or kill me painfully! It's so unfair for my social life." Alucard complained as he mimicked his apprentice but looked at a cigar burn on the middle of his forehead and a nice big left black eye. "Someday Integra's going to burn down the whole place throwing cigars at me like that!" he looked at his dumbfounded follower, "You stomp on people's faces pretty hard, you sure you haven't done this before?"  
  
The answer was a small growl and the grinding of teeth, "Get. Out! I need to change into my uniform!"  
  
"Go ahead, I don't mind." Alucard calmly answered as he poked his burn with a gloved finger.  
  
With this answer, Celas started pushing the elder vampire out of the door, "Well, I DO mind!! So get OUT! Out! Out!"  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm getting out. I do know how to walk you know...." Alucard smirked at Celas once she pushed him all the way out of the smaller room into the so-called 'living' room. The sound of a heavy lock clicked behind the large door as if telling him that she was annoyed at the vampire's jokes. Alucard just softly chuckled to himself.  
  
"So much energy for a police girl after getting up!"  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Celas stood in the middle of her room wearing her usual light blue Hellsing uniform. Alucard smirked at her with his toothy smile while tossing her a packet of blood. The young and now hungry vampire caught the plastic bag that her food now came in.  
  
"Now hurry up and drink that down so we can get started on our grand canpire hunt tonight. Can't go hunting trash with an empty stomach." he grinned at Celas who quickly drank her blood down. "You won't need to bring the Halconnen, the so called monster is within the walls of this institute."  
  
Young red eyes widened at the last few words that came from the mouth of their senior, "Inside... Hellsing!? Are the others safe? How many have been turned into ghouls? Why are we wasting time in here!?" panic started to rise in the tone of Celas' voice as she grabbed her semi-automatic rifle.  
  
"Hahahah! The only attacks so far have been a few dozen cans of soda! None of the humans have been touched at all since the death of so many drinks." Alucard smirked while he stood in front of the door out of Celas' room.  
  
"What!? ... Cans of soda were 'attacked'? What do you mean by that, Master?" confusion furrowed in the ex-policewoman's brows.  
  
"Yeah, you heard me right, police girl. See for yourself." the elder vampire tossed the empty can of Pepsi to Celas.  
  
The young vampire looked at the can strangely, "It's empty but... the top isn't open. Then how'd it ge- holes? What are these two holes doing in a can of Pepsi?"  
  
"Because how else would a canpire drink a can of soda?"  
  
"... What happened to just pulling on the tab and drinking it the normal way?" she responded in a monotone manner.  
  
"A canpire drink like a human? Bwahahaha!! That would break their code of honor! Not that it seems like anything honorable compared to TRUE vampires like myself." Alucard puffed himself up like a preened rooster at the mention of being a true vampire causing Celas to roll her eyes. "Come now, we have the mystery of the canpire to solve!" the vampire laughed gleefully as he passed through the metal door that stood behind him.  
  
"If this is another one of his stupid jokes...." Celas muttered to herself and opened the door out of her room. The grinning face of her master looked down on her. He was clearly excited to do this crazy mission. Or was something else was on his mind?  
  
"Alright, lets go police girl!"  
  
  
**********  
  
  
The ex-policewomen boredly walked around the crime scene of the cans of soda in the kitchen. It wasn't anything special, only a mess of empty 'bitten' cans and a now sticky floor. Celas kicked a can of 7UP with the tip of her black boot watching it roll a foot or two away from the gathering of dead cans.  
  
"Okay, so what am I suppose to do now? Sniff a can and follow the scent I find?" Celas asked her ever-watching master.  
  
"Well, that would be a good start but I doubt you could ever smell anything but all the sugar in these drinks."  
  
Celas wrinkled her nose at this comment. She was away from mere seconds of just grabbing a can and smelling it to follow the person who caused this if it didn't render herself to becoming her master's bloodhound. Wasn't he supposed to be the pet dog (to Integra) instead of her taking that role?  
  
"But thankfully, our canpire here is quite the messy eater. Just follow the sticky footprints as far as they go, police girl."  
  
"Master? Do you know anything else about the canpire besides that it lives off soda?" Celas asked while she followed the sticky spots on the floor. Her boots started to stick to the floor from stepping in the dried puddles of soda. She made a face knowing that she would have to clean them off after this crazy mission.  
  
"Well..." Alucard thought for a few seconds, "they are a very troublesome breed. Drinking all those sugared drinks have driven over half of them insane. That's why I never drink those silly sodas. But they breed more canpires in the same way as vampires. Damn those copy-cats.... They don't even drink blood after that! And you have some gum on the bottom of your boot, police girl."  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
  
**********  
  
  
"Walter, give me the status of how Alucard and Celas are on their mission." Integra asked Walter while looking out her window at the yellow cresent moon. She blew out a trio of smoke rings from the cigar that she was smoking.  
  
"Currently, they are now tracking down the 'canpire' but haven't seen anything more than traces of soda, candy, and wads of chewed up bubblegum, Sir Integra. All the soldiers on strike are marching around the dorms demanding more soda. And last but not least, the cook is making his special Meatloaf Surprise tonight."   
  
Integra's glasses glowed brightly at the sound of the cook's 'Meatloaf Surprise'. The last time she ate that... dog food, she was constipated for over a week and never felt so bad from eating something with the word 'surprise' at the end.  
  
"Walter, I am going to be eating out tonight. Reserve a table at Bonne Nourriture for me. I'll be out in the next hour so tell the cook that I'm not hungry tonight." the leader of Hellsing turned to the ever faithful butler whose eyepiece glowed like her own glasses. "And tell the people in the security towers to stop shining their bloody lights at my window! It causes my glasses to catch the reflection and it hurts!"  
  
"Oui, Mademoiselle Hellsing." Walter bowed and slipped out of his master's office to call Bonne Nourriture for dinner tonight. He hoped that Integra didn't mind if he came too. The last time he ate Meatloaf Surprise, he was ten times more constipated than usual and had so much gas, it was so embarrassing. Walter ducked his head in shame remembering that time when he accidentally let one rip while listening to his master inform him about how late he was with her tea that day. That was not a good day indeed.  
  
"Hmm, I think I will try out the new special they have at Bonne Nourriture. What was it called again? Pâtes Heureuses?" Integra puffed at the end of her cigar making another circle of smoke and blowing a ghostly trail of smoke through it. "Those two better catch Alucard's idiotic 'canpire' before I come back or else I'm going to need a new janitor to get rid of those annoying vampires in England."  
  
  
**********  
  
  
"Quick!! We're hot on its trail Shaggy! This gum is really fresh!" Alucard grinned as he held Celas' boot (which was still on her foot) in the air causing her to try to kick at him.  
  
"Couldn't you just wait until I at least TAKE OFF my boot before you grab it 'Scooby!?'" Celas tugged back on her leg from Alucard's hold on her shoe.  
  
"Rokay!" the elder vampire grinned and pulled off the young woman's black boot causing her to fall on her back. He sat down and stared at the bottom of the boot with the squished wad of gum. "Hmmmm...."  
  
"Hmm, what?" 'Shaggy' asked 'Scooby' while looking over his shoulder. "Found out anything?"  
  
"Reah, our monster's been here not too long ago. We missed him by an hour or a half. But," Alucard's grin widened, "he does have a nice hole in his pocket and left a trail of Nerds not too far up ahead." he gestured with Celas' boot to the small colored candies on the floor that made a nice scattered line.  
  
"Jinkies...."  
  
"..."  
  
"... I said "slinkies". You know, those metal coil toys? They're umm... fun to play with! Yeah! Aahhehheehhh...."  
  
"... Sure, Velma." a smirk creeped across Alucard's face at Celas' bad attempt to cover up what she just said.  
  
"Will you just give me my boot back, Master?"  
  
"Nope! It's part of the evidence!"  
  
Thanks to the American 70's detective wannabe over there, it took Ceras a wasted half hour and a bottle of tylenol to finally get the "evidence" back and on her foot.  
  
  
**********  
  
  
I'm so sorry for the Scooby and Shaggy thing!! n_n; It just... popped up into my head at the moment. I don't know how though, I wasn't watching the cartoon. Anywho, I hoped you liked the 2nd chapter!  
  
I'm not too sure what Walter calls Integra, help on this part would be greatly appreciated (making me fix my story is always fun). 


	3. Chapter 3

Note: This is a bit of a "breather" (same silliness but not much plot devoplment) chapter for me to recover with the trouble of returning back to school. It doesn't mean that I'll put the fic on haitus, oh no, it just means I won't be able to update too often because of homework and stuff! But on with the story!  
  
  
Attack of the Canpire  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
Celas walked along the side of her master, which took the form of a large black hellhound who held his nose close to the ground occasionally stopping every few steps. Was Alucard sniffing the trail of Nerds?  
  
"Master? Are you sure you need to stop and sniff the trail that we can both see in the dark?" the young ex-officer asked the hellhound.  
  
"Who said I was sniffing?" Alucard paused again and put his long muzzle to the ground making a soft snuffling sound, "I'm licking the candy off the floor."  
  
Silence followed by the ever rising brow became the answer for the young vampire. Licking candy left by only hell knows who off the floor was one of the weirdest things she has ever witnessed her master done. Even weirder than that time Alucard pretended to be Thing and walked around her room as a disembodied hand.  
  
"I'm storing the evidence for later use." the hellhound replied to the clearly confused ex-police woman.  
  
"... That's just gross, Master."  
  
  
**********  
  
  
"Did you get it? Did you bring in the sweet icy babies?" Tim eagerly hopped off the makeshift pedsital made out of a pair of dorm beds and cleverly placed boxes. The leader of the caffiene deprived troops walked up quickly to the weary soldier that made his way down the dorm room.  
  
"Y-yes Tim, but...." the soldier hesitantly turned his gaze away from the grinning 'leader.'  
  
"But what? You got the drinks didn't you? C'mon! Hand them over, Ryan!!" the grin quickly turned into a snarl from the other troop's timidness of the situation.  
  
Ryan whimpered from the harsh words that spouted from Tim's mouth at him about the soda that he was supposed to have. He took a deep breath and pulled out two cold cans out of his pockets.  
  
"... I was only able to find these." Ryan mumbled as he shakily handed the drinks to Tim.  
  
"What the hell are THESE!? Caffeine-free root beer and Diet Coke!? We're after CAFFIENE here!! We're on strike because of CAFFIENE!! This root beer has NO CAFFIENE!! What the bloody hell is WRONG with you!? No one drinks Diet Coke because there is barely anything worth drinking in it!" Tim growled in frustration and threw the can of Diet Coke into the wall causing it to burst open spilling all over the floor.  
  
Ryan lied curled up in the floor shaking from the wrath Tim was going to inflict upon him for his attempt of bringing back some caffeine. He trembled in silence bracing himself for kicks across his back but nothing happened.  
  
*SMACK!*  
  
The scared soldier opened his eyes to see the bruised face of Tim next to him causing him to emit an audible 'eek.'  
  
"Tim you bloody nutcase! Causing an all out strike just because the stock of soda ran short this month! What the hell is wrong with you, man? The next shipment is going to be here in five more days! Ever heard of driving out to the gas station and buying your OWN soda? If you ask me, I prefer a nice cold mug of beer to a can of Mountain Dew." the familiar voice of a fellow soldier came from above.  
  
"Pip! Pip's come to save us!!"  
  
  
**********  
  
  
"Are you sure that we should go in Sir Integra's office, Master?" Celas whispered to Alucard's back while he shifted the top half off his now humanoid body into the wall.  
  
"The trail lead into here, so why not look in here for our canpire? Besides, the Lady-Boss is out to eat dinner with her boyfriend, Walter." the vampire pulled his head out of the wall and grinned at Celas. "You don't want to make Sir Integra upset because you didn't want to catch the canpire which could be hiding right under her desk, now?"  
  
Celas bit her lip in thought, "No, Master." she replied receiving a simple nod and a 'Good.' from Alucard before he walked through the door.  
  
"... I wish I knew how to walk through doors and stuff." the ex-policewoman mumbled as she pushed open the large door.  
  
The office was a huge but perfectly clean room. Large windows made their home at the backside while shelves full of books and classified information covered the walls. On one side was the large oil painting of the late Sir Hellsing, Integra's father, with short light blond hair and the same ice blue eyes as his daughter's. Celas wondered if Sir Integra got the 'Search and Destroy' line from her father. At the end of the room was Integra's large oak desk messily piled with papers and files of vampire reports. She must have been working hard on trying to find out about the FREAK chips and the Millenium Group. Going out to eat would be a nice break for her.  
  
"Are you just going to stand there with your mouth hanging open looking like the catch of the day or are you going to acutely do your job, police girl?" Alucard smirked at the young woman who quickly closed her gawking mouth. He swung his legs over a side of the desk getting in a better sitting position on the wooden surface.  
  
Feeling slightly embarrassed from spending her time staring at the expansive room, Celas quickly walked up to the desk that her master was sitting on.  
  
"Hmm? What is one of Sir Integra's cigars doing out of the box?" the young vampire blinked as she picked up a fresh cigar off the side of the desk, "It looks like someone was chewing on the end but never bothered to light it."  
  
"Probably because the canpire was too stupid to know how to use a lighter." Alucard said while he picked a cigar out of Integra's precious box of cancer sticks, "Or he thought it was some kind of candy from the way he lives off stuff like that." the soft clicking of a lighter was heard from his cupped hands.  
  
Celas studied the still wet end of the cigar in her hand while Alucard blew out a trail of smoke from his mouth catching her attention, "Umm, Master? Are you sure that Sir Integra won't get mad with you smoking one of her cigars?"  
  
"Naah, she smokes too many of them to keep count. I'm just, 'helping' her smoke less by doing this. Hey, do you want a smoke, police girl?"  
  
A blond brow raised in response to the question, "But smoking is bad for people's health, Master."  
  
"Hahahaha! They're only bad for a human's health! But a vampire is already dead! There is no need to worry about getting sick from some silly cancer if you are already dead. C'mon, it's just only one." Alucard grinned with the lit cigar sticking out at the side of his mouth. "All you need to remember is 'puff-puff-blow' and that's it." he handed a cigar to the hesitant young vampire.  
  
"Well, alright, but just this one time, Master." Celas took the single cigar from Alucard's gloved hand and put it in her mouth. The end tasted kind of funny but it wasn't that bad. She then held the lighter to the end of the cigar and clicked on the end a few times, "Grr, Integra needs to refill her lighter- oh! Wait! It's working now." the ex-policewoman smiled as the end of the cigar was lit.  
  
"Remember, it's 'puff-puff-blow'. Be careful not to inhale too much smoke, Celas." Alucard blew out a pair of smoky bats from his mouth.  
  
"Yes Master!" she nodded and closed her eyes. The young vampire woman wanted to do something right for her master and this was going to be it. She drew in one puff of smoke. The fumes of the cigar smoke tingled her heightened senses playfully. Smoking cigars didn't seem that bad, in fact, it seemed kind of fun to her. No wonder Sir Integra enjoyed smoking them so much. Another puff was drawn into the mouth of the ex-police woman. She smiled visblibly as the climax of her first smoked cigar drew nearer. Celas giggled from the sneaky trails of smoke playing around in her head. She felt like she was in a dream, a nice one where she was surrounded with warmth. Her eyelids suddenly became heavy once a feeling of sleepiness engulfed her. Celas opened her mouth to yawn but started to gag on the smoke from her cigar that she had in her mouth. Her red eyes watered and started to burn while choking on a coughing attack.  
  
"I told you it was 'puff-puff-BLOW'! Not 'puff-puff-yawn!'" Alucard grumbled at his choking apprentice and gently slapped her across the back to help her.  
  
Celas quickly recovered from her coughing fit and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, "I... I'm sorry, Master. I don't think cigar smoking is for me." she looked wearily at the cigar that she still held in her fingers.  
  
"Everyone is bound to inhale too much smoke on their first smoke. You should get the hang of it on the second try." the elder vampire puffed on the end of his cigar turning the tip into a bright red spotlight in the dim light.  
  
"Okay, Master." she brought the cigar back to her mouth. Celas enjoyed the odd taste it brought back with her starting puff. But this was going to probably be the first and last time that she was going to be able to experience this. She drew in another puff savoring the taste. The young vampire noticed that her master blew out a few shapes out of the smoke. She wondered if she could do the same but would start out with something simple like a ring. Celas softly blew out the smoke but it formed nothing but an oddly shaped cloud. She frowned slightly at another one of her attempts in the short time which failed again.  
  
"Hey, trying to make a ghost there, police girl?" Alucard chuckled down at Celas.  
  
"Umm, yeah hehehehhh...." she nervously giggled hoping that her master didn't know that she was trying to make a ring instead of a ghost.  
  
Alucard hopped off the desk and walked over to the window that was oddly open. "You know, Celas, that our canpire has already jumped out the window to probably inside the dorms while we spent our time up here smoking." he said in a tone similar to a young man commenting about the weather.  
  
"What!? Jump out the window? Now how are we going to get all the way to the dorms from here? It's nearly on the other side of the mansion!" Celas jumped out of the comfortable leather chair that belonged to Integra and looked out the window with her master.  
  
"Why, we'll just jump down after him. Why should we waste time running down a flight of stairs or take the elevator when a shortcut is right in front of us?" Alucard blew out a ghostly vapor of a running hellhound to the night sky.  
  
"Jump, Master? But what if...?" Celas nervously puffed at the shortening end of her cigar.  
  
Alucard grinned at her and pushed down on the butt of his cigar on the glass ashtray, "I'll be down there to catch you, police girl."  
  
Celas let out a long trail of smoke at her master's answer while her pale face reddened. Catch her? Oh boy, at least she wasn't going to be the first one to jump out of a five-story window.  
  
"Umm, Master, why did we waste our time in here when you knew that the canpire wasn't in here?"  
  
"Because I was bored and the Lady-Boss doesn't let me have any fun when she's in here... which is nearly all day long. Now lets hurry before he gets TOO much of a lead ahead of us," Alcard grinned at this, "because I want to see how much of a piece of trash this canpire really is." The elder vampire laughed as he leaped out of the window with a flash of his red coat.  
  
Celas snubbed out her cigar butt after watching her master jump out of a five-story window like it were only two feet off the ground. She started to wonder how long it would take to scrape a vampire off the ground if it were just to land wrong while jumping.  
  
"I am never going to get used to this...."  
  
  
**********  
  
And that's it for chapter 3! Sorry for the lack of furthering the plot but as I said before, this is a "breather" chapter. Note! This chapter wasn't to promote smoking from that lenthy scene. I'm pretty much against smoking but both Alucard and Celas are both dead (and Integra just creeps me out sometimes) so don't go out and try smoking cigars for yourself, especially if you're underage.  
  
Thanks to all the people who have reviewed my fanfic so far! n_n It's great knowing that my writing is making people laugh!  
  
It's reviewer help time again!  
Anyone who knows a website that has a nice in-depth bio of Pip, please send me the url of it! It's so annoying to barely have any info about an interesting looking character!  
  
By the way, here's a nice picture I drew based off the last part of chapter 2 to make all of you Alucard fans scream! http://tawamureru.netfirms.com/alucardoo.gif Steal it and you'll have to be the one responible for feeding him! 


	4. Chapter 4

Attack of the Canpire  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
Celas watched the flash of Alucard's red cloak as he jumped out of the window of Integra's office. The canpire that they were sent after supposedly did the same and was headed into the troops' dormitory area - well, according to Alucard he was. So all she needed to do was just jump out of the who-knows-how-high window just like her master did and get back to the chase. She grumbled as she grabbed her rifle she left leaning to the side of Integra's desk while she and Alucard smoked one of Integra's cigars.  
  
"Just jump out of the window," Celas said to herself as she pulled the strap of the large firearm over her arm, "and then go splat on the ground!" She frowned as she looked out of the open window and looked down to see the small red figure of her master below.  
  
~Hurry! Jump police girl! I'll catch you.~  
  
The young vampire swallowed after hearing Alucard's voice in her head urge her on. It was now or never to do this stunt. Celas only hoped that Alucard was good at catching. She did not wish find out how it felt to kiss the ground after trying to fly without wings.  
  
~HURRY!~  
  
Celas drew in a deep breath and started to climb out of the open window. A chilled night wind was nothing compared to the cold fright that ran through her once she looked down at the ground where Alucard stood.  
  
"Oh God, please don't miss, bloody God, don't miss!"  
  
With a small kick off the building, the ex-policewoman felt the rush of air push her from bellow. She opened her mouth in a scream as she fell faster and faster to the ground below. Celas' eyes were squeezed shut not wanting to see the ground speeding towards her.  
  
"Celas! You can stop screaming in my ear now!" a familiar hardened voice was heard.  
  
"AHH - huh? Am I dead yet?" Celas cracked open a crimson eye seeing only blackness. She opened another eye and tilted her head upwards. The mildly grinning face of Alucard darkened under the wide red brim of his hat looked down at her.  
  
"Why, you've already been dead for who knows how long now, police girl." He started to chuckle to himself, "I never knew you cared so much about me too."  
  
The young vampire blinked while she felt a soft pressure against her small body. She finally noticed that she was clinging to Alucard's chest as if it was the only thing keeping her 'alive'. Celas quickly let go of her embrace of her master and ducked her head in embarrassment. Alucard grinned with amusement and put her feet back on the ground.  
  
"You know, I don't usually get many hugs with Integra being her commanderly self. But a nice hug from a young woman from so long was very enjoyable." He smirked towards the dormitories, "Now, let's hurry and dispose of our canpire. I'm getting thirsty."  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Integra and Walter sat quietly at one of the tables of Bonne Nourriture looking through the menus. The butler flipped through the pages and looked through all the tasty sounding courses. So much to choose, he wished that he had a bigger stomach for it all.  
  
"Sir Integra, what are you going to eat tonight?"  
  
The leader of Hellsing lowered her menu and looked at Walter, "I think I will try their new special, Pâtes Heureuses, Walter. What about you?"  
  
"The four cheese and chicken lasagna sounds up my alley."  
  
"Ah yes, that was a nice meal. Too but cheese for my tastes though."  
  
"But I love cheese and chicken!" Walter smiles.  
  
"Yes, I know that, you talk about it each time we have cheese biscuits for afternoon tea, Walter." Integra's tone started to flatten warning the butler that she didn't wish to listen to his love of cheese one more time.  
  
"Ah... yes, Sir Integra." Walter nodded taking his boss's warning sign. He then folded up his menu and took a long drink from a glass of water.  
  
Integra followed suit but exchanged the drink with a puff on her cigar. She always loved having a cigar in her mouth, like how a raver loves his pacifier after getting high. Where was that damned waiter? thought Integra. He was taking a long time now to at least come to their table with the salads they ordered.  
  
"Oh? Just the chicken alfredo, Anderson?" a familiar accented voice came from the table behind Integra and Walter.  
  
"Yes Father Maxwell, I'm not that much of a fan of just plain pasta covered with cheese and other stuff. Something simple with some cheese is enough for me." a husky voice answered to the other.  
  
"I see.... Oh? Anderson, could you please move your head a bit to the right for a minute?"  
  
"Huh? Umm, sure."  
  
"... Ohhh, so it's none other than Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing and her butler eating in the same restaurant as us, Anderson." the higher pitched voice grinned in the air making a chill run down Integra's spine.  
  
The leader of Hellsing slowly turned around to see the long and pale grinning face of the person who called out her full name. Her ice blue eye twitched recognizing the young man, "Enrico Maxwell." Integra bit off the end of each syllable of his name threatening to chomp off the end of her cigar.  
  
"Still the same Ms. Hellsing as ever." Maxwell smirked, "Imagine the odds of us two sitting next to each other in the same restaurant."  
  
"Yes, I can just imagine." Integra drew on her cigar trying to keep her temper under control. Oh how she wanted to just rip that hideous smirk off his face.  
  
"I see your Protestant dog isn't with you tonight, human food must upset his poor little undead stomach I guess." the high priest chuckled to himself.  
  
Integra glared at Maxwell with her ice blue eyes, "I'm surprised that you take your Catholic mongrel to public restaurants after the lack of control you have on him when he hears the words 'undead' or 'vampire.'"  
  
Anderson growled from his place at the table. If it was not bad enough for that filthy vampire to call him a dog, now the so-called master of the vampire called him a mongrel.  
  
"At least mine doesn't run around like some sort of freak show in red leather." Maxwell sneered at Integra.  
  
The blond leader bit at the end of her cigar. Maxwell was right for once about Alucard's dress preference. A bright red suit with a large brim hat, which was also red, could catch the attention of a blind mole rat on a cloudy day. She had asked him to dress in something less eye-catching and more up to modern times but Alucard's excuse was the same and he had a fetish with the color red.  
  
"Sooo, does the great Ms. Hellsing have no comeback for her pet's clothes?" the Catholic priest started to laugh at his victory over the steel woman.  
  
"He can dress in whatever he wishes to dress in, he can come one night wearing nothing but a loincloth as long as he does his job." Integra blew out a trail of smoke from her mouth.  
  
Maxwell's brow raised at the loincloth comment, "So, you're saying even if he dresses up in a pretty pink tutu and tights you wouldn't care if he still killed the other vampires?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What about a bear costume?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Godzilla?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Frankenstein?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Ye- NO!! I would KILL him if I saw him dressed up as a male swine as yourself!" Integra gave Maxwell a glare that would cause the average human to cower before her in a pleading ball of shame. But Maxwell was not the average human. Far from it.  
  
"Just because your damned pet dresses like me doen't deserve death! I'd say it would be an improvement to that walking corpse's outfit, you female swine! ANYTHING would look better on him than that eye sore of red, red, RED!" Maxwell got up in Integra's face not noticing the lit cigar she had in her mouth.  
  
"Personally, I don't mind the color red, unlike swine such as yourself." the blond Hellsing leader said calmly while she picked the cigar from her mouth and pushed the lit end onto the tip of Maxwell's pointed nose.  
  
"AGGHH!! YOU BI-!!" Enrico Maxwell held his burnt nose in his hands and fell back into his chair glaring at the smug Integra. Anderson quickly raised from his seat and reached a hand into his black coat that concealed numerous blessed blades. "No, not now Anderson. It's just a small burn to my nose. I'll live. Sit down."  
  
"... Yes, Father Maxwell."  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Pip, a lanky looking, one eyed cowboy out of the neater cut troops of Hellsing, grinned at his fellow Hellsing troops at their current state of 'crises'. They were nearly on the verge on turning on each other just because of a few cans of soda. The mercenary leader couldn't help but laugh at their problem that caused his long braid of dark blond hair to uncurl and slip from his chuckling shoulders.  
  
"What's so funny, Pip?"  
  
"Heheh, it's just all you guys think so much about a little can of soda when there are 'alternatives', y'know. Alternatives such as the giant case of ice cold beer that I hide in the storage room of this here dorm!" he grinned widely at the shocked faces of the thirsty troops.  
  
"How'd you get it in there?"  
  
"How much beer is in it?"  
  
"Take us there!! Take us there!!"  
  
The new leader of the weary soldiers held up a hand to silence the many questions that were being asked, "Hey, HEY! It's not like I can answer all of you at once! I've only got two ears and one mouth! I'll just show you all the giant cooler I've got hidden away and that should answer everything. C'mon, follow me!" Pip shouted out to the curious group of soldiers before him and led them out of the sleeping quarters of the dormitory.  
  
They followed him down the hall and into the dark but extremely large storage room. Pip flicked on a light and walked in deeper into the room. He walked past the spare uniforms, old unused firearms, dried rations and canned beans, hard pillows piled on top of over starched blankets, and the not so secret stash of porn magazines collected by all of the rookies and veterans alike.   
  
The mercenary shined the light on the large towers of magazines and whistled, "Been keepin' the faith guys! You know that our boss would kill us ten-fold if she found out just how many magazines we have in here!" he laughed to himself and walked to what seemed to be a dead end that had nothing but a flat board of wood leaning against the wall. Pip slid the board to the side to reveal a large hole carved into the wall. "Alright boys, the cooler might be a bit dusty, but I guarantee that the beer inside is at 110% quality!" he shouted back at the waiting troops before disappearing into the hole inside the wall. After a minute of silence that was cut by the sounds of someone tripping and cursing colorfully, Pip emerged out of the hole dragging out a huge blue ice cooler.  
  
"BEER!" all of the soldiers shouted in unison dropping the porn magazines from their hands.  
  
"Come and get it!!" Pip cried as he pushed the treasure chest in the middle of the storage room to the thirsty troops, "There's plenty for all!" The leader started to toss out cold cans and bottles of beer to reaching hands. This was going great! Pip always wished for a night like this to sit around with all his buds and drink beer and read porn magazines. But somehow, he felt like he was being watched from a dark corner of the storage room.  
  
"Who's there?" Pip shone his flashlights into a corner of the room while drinking down a bottle of cold vodka. There was nothing but an old sack that had useless junk stuffed into it. Bah, maybe the vampire hunting here at Hellsing is getting to him. Pip took another swig of his vodka and walked back towards the chest where an unfamiliar person leaned over digging for some beer.  
  
"Can... cans." the person hissed and pulled out a tall can of Coors Lite. He looked at it curiously with crimson eyes as if he never saw a can of beer.  
  
"Hey bub, are you just going to look at it all night or are you going to drink it?" Pip leaned against the nearby wall, which was not too far from his beer cooler.  
  
The other person lifted his head slightly to look at the person who just talked to him. He was not any reason to waste his time on. The odd male who did not wear the usual Hellsing set of clothes raised the cold can close to his face and slowly licked the side of the metal surface.  
  
"What the bloody...?" Pip lowered his bottle of alcohol and rubbed his eyes. Was the person before just licking a can of beer? And what the hell is he doing now? Going to bite it or something?  
  
With a small pair of twin popping sounds the red eyed person drew his mouth away from the can in a grin that exposed a set of fangs. He then tilted the can to the side and slurped at the openings he just made with his teeth.  
  
The now drunken Pip started to laugh at this odd sight, "Gwahaha!! If I didn't know any bettah, I woulda said that you wur sum kinda beer vampuar...." he grinned and chuckled to himself watching the so-called 'beer vampuar' bite into another can of beer and another.  
  
  
**********  
  
  
~He's close. Can you feel it, police girl?~ Alucard's voice echoed in Celas' head as she walked down the dark halls with her semi-automatic rifle ready to fire at the slightest shadow of inhuman movement.  
  
"Yes, but it's mixed in with nearly all the troops here in a huge group nearby. Do they not know that a vampire is with them?" she replied to her mater out loud unable to just communicate with him mentally.  
  
~Canpire. It's a CANpire. And they're just humans. They wouldn't be able to tell a vampire if one walked up to them and kicked them in the balls.~  
  
"Errm, yes, canpire. Sorry, Master." Celas' brow furrowed at being corrected. Alucard probably gets a pretty nice kick out of correcting everyone just because he's a few centuries old. Sometimes she wondered if that smile was plastered to his pale face. But now wasn't the time to think about how annoying Alucard could be. She had a canpire to kill who might just be in the next room. The young vampire dimmed the light on her firearm and slid with her back against to the wall towards the storage room.  
  
The sounds of people talking and laughing could be heard coming from the room. Two questions buzzed around Celas' mind as she inched more towards the unlocked door; did they really know that the canpire was not in there and what the hell are they all doing in the storage room? It IS a storage room to just put extra weapons and mattresses and other boring items in. What were they doing in there? Having a party?  
  
Celas licked her lips and closed her eyes. If they were having a party or not, she was going to crash into it anyway. She opened her crimson eyes and quickly kicked the heavy door off its hinges making a huge metal clang forgetting her inhuman strength.  
  
  
The beer chugging troops all froze like deer caught in headlights at the female intruder carrying a large gun pointed at them. Was this a person sent by Sir Integra to kill them all?  
  
"THERE'S A VA-dammit... A CANPIRE AMONG YOU ALL!! GET DOWN IF YOU STILL VALUE YOUR LIFE!!" Celas shouted as her eyes darted around the mass of confused and shocked faces looking for the undead one within the group.  
  
~I think you just broke into their beer and porn magazine party, police girl.~  
  
Celas' eye twitched as she spotted the pile of adult magazines and mess of cans and bottles of beer on the floor. She cursed under her breath and tightened her grip on her rifle, "Just my bloody luck.... A canpire hiding in a mess of drunken retards reading Play Boy. The target better be here before I break some drooling heads."  
  
A drunken solider blinked at Celas and waved his bottle of beer over his head, "WHOOO!! A stripper!!"  
  
The ex-policewoman groaned as the other drunken pigs joined in a chant for the incoming 'stripper'. That canpire needed to be found and killed. Now. Before she shoots off the head of the bugger who started this chant.  
  
~Have fun, stripper!~ Alucard's voice chuckled as it retreated from Celas' mind.  
  
  
********  
  
Alright, I know it's been too long since I've written chapter 3 but, man, school really does get in the way of writing for me. X.x Well, I hope I make it up by making this my longest chapter yet, and added in Anderson and Pip and even Maxwell for you other people! =D And no, I won't change the name of the canpire to be budpire! *dodges cans of soda thrown at her* I bet a few of you are wondering where Buffonard (or whatever his name is spelled) went. Well, it all started in the orphange when he was watching the children for Anderson. Then a kid riding a bike ran over him in a "hit-and-run" accident! So now the priest that Maxwell hides behind is back in Rome in bed watching saturday morning cartoon shows while he recovers from his accident.  
  
Now that I've told you why Maxwell it in London with Anderson... I've got nothing else to say but I hope you all are enjoying this fanfic so far n_n;; Even if they do happen to be a little bit OOC (but how else am I going to make a silly fanfic without making them OOC?) and act a wee bit weird.   
  
If Pip is way out of character, I'm sorry about that. =P Not everyone can just go up to the local comicbook store buy an imported Hellsing manga in the US. ... And I also can't read japanese ~.~ All I know about him is that he hits on Celas and drinks beer!  
  
Okay, I'll stop typing now n_n;  
  
Chapter 5 coming... someday before Mozilla takes over the internet! Or at least after I get my school reports finished! Whatever comes first! 


End file.
